Sunday, September 12, 2010

write the bad with the good ....

I am so very angry right now ~ and in reality I know I need to keep more of a documentation of things in life so in other words "write the bad with the good" -
this is a letter I wrote a friend today - slightly edited of course ~ but I want basically for myself to wake up and realize I need to get control of what I am doing ~ feeling like major crap right now, my own fault as the letter explains:

"Hello my friend,
I am so unhappy right now and I need to tell my friend. I feel like such a loser. When am I going to learn I am not normal? At all? And going to learn that no matter what "precautions" people may take, if they try and treat me normal ~ well it's not going to work? I feel so freaking stupid and upset today ~ and I am ready to just throw in the towel on all this. Who am I to think that Kevin wants to be saddled to this "abnormal sickly ass" for the rest of his life? Or that his family should have to put up with this? I know I am babbling before I explain. We had the Volunteer Appreciation dinner last night, now Kevin's mom went through so much to check and see that things were safe, and it is really all on me. It was still buffet style and though most of the dishes were suppose to be safe, I should
know that I am ultra sensitive, that cross contamination is a huge issue, that even a little starts a reaction, but no I am thinking - oh I should be okay eating at a buffet - they have been careful they are aware that I am a celiac, I will just avoid the dishes I shouldn't have. Like seriously?????!!!!!!! WHAT THE F**K??!!
Who do I think I am??? Do I think that I all of a sudden have a different system than the f**ked up one that I have? Do I think I am super woman? Do I think that all of a sudden because people said "oh we are careful, and we are aware" that all of a sudden all the other issues that I would have with that kind of meal would
go up in smoke? Who the h*ll do I think I am? Am I god that I can just change my body at will? I feel like the biggest loser in the world, and right now I am the biggest sick loser in the world. I knew last night I was in big trouble, and tried my best to not show his family as I zoned out and went into my stupid semi - catonic
state that I go in when really reacting. Kevin dropped me off at home, to change and pick up my car, and he went home to await my arrival. Did not happen. Once I hit my own home, the cramps took over ~ and the reaction set in full force. Wearing two layers and shivering in a fetal position on my couch, and feeling oh so
unhappy and sorry for myself. What a f**king wuse ~ as I did it to myself!! Of course I passed out, and when I woke it was after 1:30 in the morning, and then I was even more unhappy ~ as I was all by myself at home, so I staggered up and went and put on my pj's and crawled into bed and apologized to my boyfriend. And I
shook and went through a horrible night, and woke alone and feeling like crap, and woke alone as I really should and realized this once again is TOTALLY my fault. I am in total relapse, emotionally and physically ~ and I am feeling like the biggest selfish loser in the world right now. Seriously who do I think I am?"

Yep the bad days with the good ~ not in a good place right now ~ and simply the majority of that is because I have poisoned my own body really good. And it is not happy with me at all, I feel low ~ stupid, selfish, and sick. Not a good day at all. :(

1 comment:

Belinda said...

Sis, while I can say "duh!" about the buffet, I think you're being too hard on yourself. I don't think that being saddled with someone who has Celiac Disease is the hardship, I think being the person suffering from it is the hardship. And we all know that there are worse things (people wise) out there to be saddled with, haha. I'm so sorry that you're feeling so horrible, and it sure sounds like you had a very awful night.
I won't wish you a speedy recovery, because we know that isn't the case, you have to suffer it out :( . But I will wish you lots of rest, and hope your spirits pick up soon.
Love you lots,
xoxo
B