Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Wow ....

My son turned 20 yesterday ~ it takes my breath away the amazing man he is becoming. I am very blessed in my life ~ and sometimes we need to take stock of the people/relationships/experiences that make life the fabulous ride it is.

Alex and I have been on our own since he was two years old ~ and I am so grateful that we have the strong bond we do, have always had, and I hope continues for the rest of our lives. And though the life experiences we have gone through haven't always been easy, or fun, or even comfortable ~ I am pleased that he has a base understanding of honesty, compassion, forgiveness, kindness, generosity, and love. He is a man I can look at and know he will be okay in life, may not always treat him well - but that he can come through anything and will keep walking strong.

His relationship with Sarah has actually at times been a bit of an inspiration to myself surprisingly haha ~ like our roles have been reversed in some ways, him carrying out a last and loving relationship, me just finding my way. I am pleased I am in a loving, supportive, and strong relationship myself now ~ so I can be the role model for him in even another aspect, he may be 20 but never too young to learn life lessons - for in truth I myself still am learning everyday.

Wow I say ..... a young man ..... grew up right in front of me and keeps on growing ~ and I am so so so very proud of my son. Happy Birthday.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Thoughful .....

Lost in thought alot lately ~ I am missing my dad ~ it's been so long since he has been part of our lives that is true ~ but he is always in my heart and seems the older I get the more I miss him. Especially of late ~ life has been such a balance ~ or is such a balance, and though I have always felt that I come through and keep on trucking, I have a need to do more than just go from day to day. I know my son Alex is feeling the same way ~ getting the working everyday blues ~ we had a good talk the other day and cleared some air ~ he has been so tense and short tempered of late, he just wants to get back to school, finish it up, get started on a career, buy a house, and do some traveling and live life ... RIGHT NOW! haha I totally get where he is coming from I have been feeling the same way ~ especially in the last few years, people that mean the world to me have passed away ..... and I feel changed.

So now I am trying to balance things ~ the need to just get out there and live life don't stop ~ don't slow down, grab any and all happiness where you can find it and fly fly fly .... and with reality ~ that even dreams take time, that things like getting my life organized after the mess I have made of somethings - like my home, take time and patience to work through. That even being in love and looking towards sharing a future and sharing some of those things I never thought I would have like: a house, a chance to travel, someone to grow old with ..... take time ~ and that things do happen as they are meant to, you can't force fate.

And I have been missing my dad, I have been missing Dave ~ I have been missing Baba .... people in my life that I would have wanted to see me be happy ~ wanted to see me be okay in life.

I am finding this balancing a hard thing to do ~ I have not been feeling myself as much as I would like to lately, and I am struggling a bit ....... I am even trying to work on priorities and what is really worth keeping and what I need to let go. Or even who I need to let go .....

finding Balance.