Tuesday, April 13, 2010

It's been a long long while .....

My blog ~ a creative outlet ~ a space to throw out some thoughts ~ a place to fulfill my need to type out and hold moments in time, to be able to go back ~ see growth, change, experience joy and once again read about how events have touched my heart, broken my heart, healed my heart ..... I would say that I would get on here and faithfully write all the time again, but I can't ... for in truth I have really many varied outlets now and who reads this haha. I can't believe the change in myself in the last year ~ I hope a change for the better, a stronger, happier more confident woman ~ I have embraced the gauntlet dear Dave left us all when he passed last year ~ to live life more, to enjoy life more, to get out and connect with life, with people, with just plain living.

It's hard to know where to start ~ I feel blessed in my life by the relationships I have developed ~ like the love, respect and friendship with my sister Bel, and the same plus the sense of connection with my amazing friend Dawn. Without these two women in my life I would often be sunk haha ~ they threaten to kick my ass almost daily if I need a slap here and there and my confidence shakes ~ as it is want to do when you are searching for the meanings of life haha. :)
In fact I just got in from going with coffee with Dawn ~ life has been hard lately and we don't get out to connect as much as we would like ~ but hey an hour here or there and we are usually golden. Then I send her back to her family ha ha and I go and do the same. We both have lost our crop mojo, but we are still amazingly good at "scrap shopping" hee hee ~ and we hope to attend a crop very soon here and get our creative sides humming again.

My dear sister Bel is approaching her 40 b-day very soon here ~ it just makes me shake my head at how the years are passing us all by ~ again somedays I feel anxious that I am not doing enough, not feeling enough, experiencing enough and that I may not have enough time in my life to do things that I really deem important ~ but I then realize as long as I take the experiences that I do have and live them to the fullest ~ hey I can be content........ for now.

Of late I have found a deeper meaning to a few things ~ the words friendship, and cherish, and love, and surprisingly I have found a meaning for the word "happy" I honestly thought at one time it was rather a lame and empty word, not expressing any deep feeling. Through meeting some amazing people in my life I can see that sometimes it is just the word that "fits". I have been touched by a special relationship ~ I find it hard to describe how my heart has been taken - I feel deeply blessed that timing ~ something that has been illusive alot of my life ~ worked, and Kevin has come into my life. It's like I carry a smile around in my soul all the time, a deep sense of "this is true, and right and good" and simply amazing. He makes me happy.

I struggle when I see people I care about or love get hurt, be sick, or feel lost. I have friends that are going through life altering soul wrenching changes and I feel helpless ~ we all just want to protect the ones we care about ~ we have a natural inclination to "fix", make 'better', find answers ..... part of life is learning how to support, to just be there ~ and when they call - make sure your hand is out to pull them back to the shore. :)

On another hand I trully am blessed with having met some amazing new people in the last year ~ and I have tried new things because of it too!!! I have tried bellydancing and curling (oh I know not at the same time hee hee) I have gone out pubbing with strangers and at the end of the evening I have more new friends. I am looking forward to the spring days coming ~ getting back out in the beautiful river valley and area and walking ~ going on picnics in the park ~ having my friend Randall take me out on his motorcycle and seeing the city from that perspective, and trying something new with someone I care and trust to keep me safe ~ I am looking forward to the summer ~ going camping with loved ones and friends, getting out to city festivals, spending time just chilling on my deck (can't wait till it is flower planting time) and once again surround myself with new experiences, what? I don't know ~ I'll find them, I will also find new love, keep it ;) and grow friendships that last lifetimes. Last summer-winter experiences included horseback riding, and doing the corn maze, meeting new people every time I went out ~ this year what? Maybe quadding and zip lining? Who knows. :)

I would love to get back up in the sky and do either a tandum jump or take another plunge at skydiving ~ pun not intended haha - plunging isn't the best when skydiving hee hee. ;) I would love to go to the mountains and do some hiking, maybe buy a bike and get out and see the city that way ~ I want to explore, spend time with friends, and enjoy every breath I take. There is always sad, there is always "stuff", there is always "deal" ~ but I am going to pull life, love and laughter out of the equation to and I am going to find balance and yes "happy" moments. :)

It's time ..... I am ready ....
here we go :)

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