Sometimes .....

and somedays it's really hard to keep up with all that is going on around me in life, all the things we are doing, experiencing, planning. And as hard as I find it to keep my life and schedule straight then I have others around me ~ I think life these days just flies by at such a hectic pace, it's funny and probably ages me ~ but I do remember a simplier time (long ago like when my son was born and before that) where life seemed to tick by at a more simple and slow pace. I really do miss that kind of life, can't say technology has done us a favor that way ~ everything is a "wham, bam, thank ya mam" experience these days ~ fast, quick, everyone on the run ~ having a hard time connecting. I just want to close my eyes and scream "SLOW DOWN!!!" somedays ...

Our trip to Jasper was lovely - too short ~ but lovely to get completely away, the mountains are always a good for my soul experience, for I find them so majestic, awe inspiring ~ I am a nature lover anyway, nothing pleases me more than to go for a walk down by the river valley or on some forest (or mountain) path and just take in all that is around me. The weather in Jasper was not that great - actually blizzarding on our way in on Friday night, cold and wet for the most part ~ but when we went for our jaunt to Athabasca Falls on Saturday the weather cleared for a few hours and it was so beautiful. Really humbles a person and trully makes you thankful for the simple beauties we have around us, we are very blessed to live in a place where there is so much natural beauty and breathtaking views a few hours away. Eating in Jasper - or I should say eating out was a 50/50 crap shoot this trip - the first lunch we had at a restaurant called Papa George's (it was on the internet as a gluten free choice) unfortunately the staff on that day were not as careful (?) or knowledgable (?) to gluten free eating ~ and both Kevin and I were a bit unwell after our meal. Surprisingly Kevin even more than I. So we were a bit skittish when it came to choosing a supper place, we were tired and cold from our few hours out in the beautiful fresh air, so we took a chance ~ went and talked to the front desk at our Hotel (The Amethyst) and they said the restaurant in the hotel (Anthony's) was very aware of gluten free eating and would be accomodating. So we went to our room and made the choice to stay in the hotel and eat ~ and it was lovely. They were more than accomodating, felt very safe in the knowledge of the staff and the chef ~ our meals were delicious and we felt no ill effects at all afterwards - I would go back and eat there anytime - no matter where we would be staying. So the get away was lovely ~ did have a few ups and downs but then doesn't everything? Nice thing is that Kevin and I are able to talk about it and usually smooth out anything that comes up quickly ~ we both understand the word compromise haha. ;)

It's been a bit of a dip for both of us lately ~ so the trip was nice just to refresh our spirits a bit ~ unfortunately the beginning of the week brought us back into the day to day stresses of late, but approaching each day and tackling whatever comes our way. Received some very upsetting news from my mother on Wednesday ~ my dear cousin Robbie's throat cancer has come back with a vengence, and he is heading into some very serious and hopefully life saving treatment. Unfortunately the treatment is so hard on his body that they have to hospitalize him while he is under the intensive chemo as it tends to shut down the lungs if they are not strong enough. My heart is aching for all his family ~ and my prayers and thoughts are with him during his next stage of battling this very cruel disease.

It is definitely another wake up call that we really need to pull happiness from life when we can, and really be blessed with our own little spot in the world ~ be happy for those we love, love dearly those we care about ~ and be thankful for each day we are given in fair health and roofs over our heads, hold our children closer and tell those we love that we love them ... right now.

I am so blessed for those in my life ...

Weekend Adventure .....

I am so excited at the moment - I am being taken on a weekend adventure to Jasper and since it's mid afternoon only hours to go before we are on our way out of the city. I intend to do more travelling in the future ~ both in my very own province (I really haven't seen much of it at all) and also get out and see some of the world. I spent the first half of my life in a family of 5 girls - and with 5 children there were not alot of travelling options. Married young, and then had my son and soon divorced after and became a full time single mom ~ no travelling options there. No regrets on spending the second half of my life (so far - still lots to go haha) raising my amazing son ~ and now it's my turn. I have a man in my life that wants to see "life" with me ~ and I am ready and more than willing to get into the next phase of the "adventure". And we are going to do this gluten free. :)

Why I point out the gluten free is that it's one thing changing things within your own home - your ingredients, your cooking styles, your way of eating ~ and a totally other thing to go out to eat, or to travel and to be gluten free. But it is not impossible, just takes a bit more effort and planning. When we went camping - of course we could control our foods and cooking spaces, and when we went to Vancouver because visiting family again the situation was a bit more easy to accomodate our eating. Jasper seems to have some good options available as well - it is a touch frustrating to look up some of these places though online - you have to have the time and patience to look through a number of sites to get a handful of information.

Some of the most helpful sites I find are those that are everyday folk who have started gluten free blogs - now I want to start writing more about celiac disease, gluten intolerance and gluten free living myself - and I may just decide to start up a totally separate blog - and make it a public site so that if people put in for example "Gluten Free in Jasper" I can post information I have gleaned and then following experiences all in one place. :) I am just a little player in all this myself - as still relatively new to the gluten free lifestyle and very new to trying to incorporate that in family eating and travelling situation. I am going to have to give this alot more serious thought ~ I am looking for some passion and inspiration ~ maybe this is it. I do know that it is sometimes so overwhelming all the information out there, often confusing and maybe dedicating myself to building a blog for gluten free living - would not only be a benefit to myself - but to my family and friends that are looking for options.

Plus it wouldn't be a bad thing to get into learning and building a blog site - I know my sister Belinda who is soon wanting to launch a blog site for her new jewelry design company could use all the pointers I would glean by getting myself back into a blog setting.

Life is very full of late - it amuses me that about a year and a half ago I was miserable, alone alot, watching TV all the time ... and now everyday is so full of just living and I am not alone, TV is dusty and life is good.

I am so looking forward to this weekend away to re-energize, re-vitalize and re-boot ...... Cheers

Wow and the year is just a flying .....

I really can't believe the year is flying by like it is ~ it has made me so very thoughtful about so many things. What life was like at this time last year ~ all that has happened in the last year, how life will change in the next year coming up. It's birthday time for this gal in a couple days .... and this birthday is going to be different than many that I have had ~ for so many reasons.

So much has gone on in my life in the last year (even the few years really) ~ so many life changes, and all affecting me deeply in some way. I have learned alot about myself ~ not all of it I have liked looking at ~ but I would say at this time in my life I can look in my mirror in the morning and say "Ok woman - not bad ~ always a work in progress but at least you are heading in the right direction for a change". In a few things I have taken a hiatus in the last year and a half - like my scrapbooking ~ which of late I have a great pull to get myself back into doing something creatively. I have actually started knitting of late - ha ha I know that may sound like a grandma thing to do ~ but I actually find it a calming activity and I can do it while watching the food network or Nascar races and I am a content woman ~ and I also feel a sense of pride that I am basically teaching myself - off the internet!! Awesome how handy the internet can be for so many things ~ while I agree that people need a healthy and aware viewpoint of all that can be found on the internet - it certainly has opened up communication and research in so many ways. I am looking forward to getting life to a smoother routine so that I can indulge a bit more in things I love to do creatively. Again this is something I look forward to in the next year.

I am also trying to start writing more again ~ journalling ect. ~ and I would like to get back to blogging on a regular basis, I find that prose is something you can lose if you don't keep it sharp. When I write I tend to think and figure things out alot more clear headed ~ lifes little ups and downs are easier to travel and big decisions seem to be alot less intimidating. Changes in life feel more natural. And life is full of changes ..... seems in the last almost eight months it has been just plump full with them. On one hand it's been great ~ I accept change as a growth in life, a way to step forward and get it done! So to speak haha - and in other ways change has been hard - I have had to watch friends and loved ones die, leave friends and try and figure out what I really want in life or out of my life.

I have found an amazing love in life ~ it only took me a few decades haha but I am blessed actually to have had this man come into my life at this time, even a year earlier in my life and our relationship may have not weathered as well. When they say it's all in the timing - correct - at least for us it was, and I am so grateful that we met at a time where we really could "see" each other and also be patient to know and understand all the work involved to keep a loving relationship ... well ... loving. It definitely is work everyday - but like he says when there are two working towards the same end then it is half the work and twice the fun. :) Agreed.

I have been blessed by some amazing friends in life ~ people that support and care for me as I do them, that I can talk openly with and share life experiences with ~ we learn from each other and we are all growing in our own ways. I have learned the valuable lesson that sometimes no matter how much will you have to be someone's friend - it takes two - just as in any relationship ~ two to work towards a common goal - and even more valuable that you can't make this work with everyone. And that is not a negative aspect of life, just a real one ~ even if you think you are a good friend and can get along with anyone, in reality this is just not so ~ and just as in good friendships and relationships it is important to learn to "Agree to Disagree" it is important in life to "Learn to Let Go". I use to be so upset if a relationship ended - whether personal or friend wise, would wonder constantly "what did I do wrong? What could have I done to make things different?" I have finally found some peace in life in just the last year realizing that it wasn't me or the other person ~ that made it not work ~ it was "US", and sometimes you just have to let something go rather than analyze it to death, remember the strong and good points and get on with it. :)

So with my birthday fast approaching ~ and for a first time in a long long long time I am going to celebrate it with a special someone, and he planned something special so that I could have just what I needed this year ~ for my soul and for peace in my heart. I am actually looking forward to celebrating it and kicking off another year - will be another one full of change and growth - and looking at things with a brighter perspective and hope in my heart. I am even trying to re-capture (as he is) some joy in my heart for the Christmas season ..... and think of this as a fresh start to find peace and happiness deep inside and hold on to it.

Yes Birthdays are definitely refection points of the year ..... mine and others .....

Cheers :)

Forever Friends .....

"Sometimes in life, you find a special friend. Someone who changes your life just by being a part of it. Someone who makes you laugh until you can't stop. Someone who makes you believe that there really is good in the world. Someone who convinces you that there really is an unlocked door just waiting for you to open it. This is forever friendship. When you're down and the world seems dark and empty, your forever friend lifts you up in spirit and makes that dark and empty world suddenly seem bright and full. Your forever friend gets you through the hard times, the sad times and the confused times. If you turn and walk away, your forever friend follows. If you lose your way, your forever friend guides you and cheers you on. Your forever friend holds your hand and tells you that everything is going to be okay. And if you find such a friend, you feel happy and complete because you need not worry. You have a forever friend, and forever has no end."
---Unknown

If you have one friend like this you are fortunate ~ I am blessed to have some of these "forever friends" in my life ... and am honestly thankful for this every day.
Hugs goes out to you all ~

write the bad with the good ....

I am so very angry right now ~ and in reality I know I need to keep more of a documentation of things in life so in other words "write the bad with the good" -
this is a letter I wrote a friend today - slightly edited of course ~ but I want basically for myself to wake up and realize I need to get control of what I am doing ~ feeling like major crap right now, my own fault as the letter explains:

"Hello my friend,
I am so unhappy right now and I need to tell my friend. I feel like such a loser. When am I going to learn I am not normal? At all? And going to learn that no matter what "precautions" people may take, if they try and treat me normal ~ well it's not going to work? I feel so freaking stupid and upset today ~ and I am ready to just throw in the towel on all this. Who am I to think that Kevin wants to be saddled to this "abnormal sickly ass" for the rest of his life? Or that his family should have to put up with this? I know I am babbling before I explain. We had the Volunteer Appreciation dinner last night, now Kevin's mom went through so much to check and see that things were safe, and it is really all on me. It was still buffet style and though most of the dishes were suppose to be safe, I should
know that I am ultra sensitive, that cross contamination is a huge issue, that even a little starts a reaction, but no I am thinking - oh I should be okay eating at a buffet - they have been careful they are aware that I am a celiac, I will just avoid the dishes I shouldn't have. Like seriously?????!!!!!!! WHAT THE F**K??!!
Who do I think I am??? Do I think that I all of a sudden have a different system than the f**ked up one that I have? Do I think I am super woman? Do I think that all of a sudden because people said "oh we are careful, and we are aware" that all of a sudden all the other issues that I would have with that kind of meal would
go up in smoke? Who the h*ll do I think I am? Am I god that I can just change my body at will? I feel like the biggest loser in the world, and right now I am the biggest sick loser in the world. I knew last night I was in big trouble, and tried my best to not show his family as I zoned out and went into my stupid semi - catonic
state that I go in when really reacting. Kevin dropped me off at home, to change and pick up my car, and he went home to await my arrival. Did not happen. Once I hit my own home, the cramps took over ~ and the reaction set in full force. Wearing two layers and shivering in a fetal position on my couch, and feeling oh so
unhappy and sorry for myself. What a f**king wuse ~ as I did it to myself!! Of course I passed out, and when I woke it was after 1:30 in the morning, and then I was even more unhappy ~ as I was all by myself at home, so I staggered up and went and put on my pj's and crawled into bed and apologized to my boyfriend. And I
shook and went through a horrible night, and woke alone and feeling like crap, and woke alone as I really should and realized this once again is TOTALLY my fault. I am in total relapse, emotionally and physically ~ and I am feeling like the biggest selfish loser in the world right now. Seriously who do I think I am?"

Yep the bad days with the good ~ not in a good place right now ~ and simply the majority of that is because I have poisoned my own body really good. And it is not happy with me at all, I feel low ~ stupid, selfish, and sick. Not a good day at all. :(

And summer is flowing by ...

Man oh man this summer is just whipping by ~ it's been a wonderful summer in the fact that I seem to have gotten out and enjoyed so much more of it this year ~ certainly makes a difference when you have someone in your life that wants to go out and really live and experience life with you. We are so fortunate to live in the "Festival City" and together Kev and I have spent more time going out and catching a little bit of this and that ~ we've been to a live play, taken in "the Works", "Capital Ex", and Cariwest Parade ~ spent time hitting the Farmer's Markets ~ and going to different restaurants and shops ~ went camping and soon plan to take a trip to the coast to see family.

In a couple weekends we will have experienced my 25th Grad reunion - man that ages me ~ have to say I have been a bit of a bundle of nerves thinking of going. I really haven't touched base with more than a couple people from school - and didn't really know very many as it was, but yet I really don't feel like I can miss it ~ so off we shall go, glad that Kevin will be with me - I can always pretend it is just the two of us going out among a bunch of strangers and just focus on time with him ~ that will calm my nerves I am sure.

My very good friend Dawn is going to Disneyland for holidays this summer ~ man oh man I envy her, but one day soon it will be others turn to envy me as I head off to somewhere warm in the winter months. I applied for my passport last week, and soon I will have no holds barring me from traveling out of Canada ~ and look forward to planning a winter holiday getaway with my man.

I am getting excited at the thought of my soon to be born new great niece or great nephew ~ I am so blessed that my nieces and nephew (by ex-marriage) still consider me to be their Aunt and want me to always be a part of their lives. It has been a while since I have been able to be around a little one, as my own sister's all live in BC and so my nieces and nephews live very far away ~ so I haven't been able to spend much time with them while they have been growing.

I wrote this on my facebook status today:
"Optimist: someone who isn't sure whether life is a tragedy or a comedy but is tickled silly just to be in the play." ~Robert Brault

Tickled silly just to be in the play ....... Yep :)

Wow ....

My son turned 20 yesterday ~ it takes my breath away the amazing man he is becoming. I am very blessed in my life ~ and sometimes we need to take stock of the people/relationships/experiences that make life the fabulous ride it is.

Alex and I have been on our own since he was two years old ~ and I am so grateful that we have the strong bond we do, have always had, and I hope continues for the rest of our lives. And though the life experiences we have gone through haven't always been easy, or fun, or even comfortable ~ I am pleased that he has a base understanding of honesty, compassion, forgiveness, kindness, generosity, and love. He is a man I can look at and know he will be okay in life, may not always treat him well - but that he can come through anything and will keep walking strong.



His relationship with Sarah has actually at times been a bit of an inspiration to myself surprisingly haha ~ like our roles have been reversed in some ways, him carrying out a last and loving relationship, me just finding my way. I am pleased I am in a loving, supportive, and strong relationship myself now ~ so I can be the role model for him in even another aspect, he may be 20 but never too young to learn life lessons - for in truth I myself still am learning everyday.

Wow I say ..... a young man ..... grew up right in front of me and keeps on growing ~ and I am so so so very proud of my son. Happy Birthday.

Thoughful .....

Lost in thought alot lately ~ I am missing my dad ~ it's been so long since he has been part of our lives that is true ~ but he is always in my heart and seems the older I get the more I miss him. Especially of late ~ life has been such a balance ~ or is such a balance, and though I have always felt that I come through and keep on trucking, I have a need to do more than just go from day to day. I know my son Alex is feeling the same way ~ getting the working everyday blues ~ we had a good talk the other day and cleared some air ~ he has been so tense and short tempered of late, he just wants to get back to school, finish it up, get started on a career, buy a house, and do some traveling and live life ... RIGHT NOW! haha I totally get where he is coming from I have been feeling the same way ~ especially in the last few years, people that mean the world to me have passed away ..... and I feel changed.

So now I am trying to balance things ~ the need to just get out there and live life don't stop ~ don't slow down, grab any and all happiness where you can find it and fly fly fly .... and with reality ~ that even dreams take time, that things like getting my life organized after the mess I have made of somethings - like my home, take time and patience to work through. That even being in love and looking towards sharing a future and sharing some of those things I never thought I would have like: a house, a chance to travel, someone to grow old with ..... take time ~ and that things do happen as they are meant to, you can't force fate.



















And I have been missing my dad, I have been missing Dave ~ I have been missing Baba .... people in my life that I would have wanted to see me be happy ~ wanted to see me be okay in life.

I am finding this balancing a hard thing to do ~ I have not been feeling myself as much as I would like to lately, and I am struggling a bit ....... I am even trying to work on priorities and what is really worth keeping and what I need to let go. Or even who I need to let go .....

finding Balance.