write the bad with the good ....

I am so very angry right now ~ and in reality I know I need to keep more of a documentation of things in life so in other words "write the bad with the good" -
this is a letter I wrote a friend today - slightly edited of course ~ but I want basically for myself to wake up and realize I need to get control of what I am doing ~ feeling like major crap right now, my own fault as the letter explains:

"Hello my friend,
I am so unhappy right now and I need to tell my friend. I feel like such a loser. When am I going to learn I am not normal? At all? And going to learn that no matter what "precautions" people may take, if they try and treat me normal ~ well it's not going to work? I feel so freaking stupid and upset today ~ and I am ready to just throw in the towel on all this. Who am I to think that Kevin wants to be saddled to this "abnormal sickly ass" for the rest of his life? Or that his family should have to put up with this? I know I am babbling before I explain. We had the Volunteer Appreciation dinner last night, now Kevin's mom went through so much to check and see that things were safe, and it is really all on me. It was still buffet style and though most of the dishes were suppose to be safe, I should
know that I am ultra sensitive, that cross contamination is a huge issue, that even a little starts a reaction, but no I am thinking - oh I should be okay eating at a buffet - they have been careful they are aware that I am a celiac, I will just avoid the dishes I shouldn't have. Like seriously?????!!!!!!! WHAT THE F**K??!!
Who do I think I am??? Do I think that I all of a sudden have a different system than the f**ked up one that I have? Do I think I am super woman? Do I think that all of a sudden because people said "oh we are careful, and we are aware" that all of a sudden all the other issues that I would have with that kind of meal would
go up in smoke? Who the h*ll do I think I am? Am I god that I can just change my body at will? I feel like the biggest loser in the world, and right now I am the biggest sick loser in the world. I knew last night I was in big trouble, and tried my best to not show his family as I zoned out and went into my stupid semi - catonic
state that I go in when really reacting. Kevin dropped me off at home, to change and pick up my car, and he went home to await my arrival. Did not happen. Once I hit my own home, the cramps took over ~ and the reaction set in full force. Wearing two layers and shivering in a fetal position on my couch, and feeling oh so
unhappy and sorry for myself. What a f**king wuse ~ as I did it to myself!! Of course I passed out, and when I woke it was after 1:30 in the morning, and then I was even more unhappy ~ as I was all by myself at home, so I staggered up and went and put on my pj's and crawled into bed and apologized to my boyfriend. And I
shook and went through a horrible night, and woke alone and feeling like crap, and woke alone as I really should and realized this once again is TOTALLY my fault. I am in total relapse, emotionally and physically ~ and I am feeling like the biggest selfish loser in the world right now. Seriously who do I think I am?"

Yep the bad days with the good ~ not in a good place right now ~ and simply the majority of that is because I have poisoned my own body really good. And it is not happy with me at all, I feel low ~ stupid, selfish, and sick. Not a good day at all. :(

And summer is flowing by ...

Man oh man this summer is just whipping by ~ it's been a wonderful summer in the fact that I seem to have gotten out and enjoyed so much more of it this year ~ certainly makes a difference when you have someone in your life that wants to go out and really live and experience life with you. We are so fortunate to live in the "Festival City" and together Kev and I have spent more time going out and catching a little bit of this and that ~ we've been to a live play, taken in "the Works", "Capital Ex", and Cariwest Parade ~ spent time hitting the Farmer's Markets ~ and going to different restaurants and shops ~ went camping and soon plan to take a trip to the coast to see family.

In a couple weekends we will have experienced my 25th Grad reunion - man that ages me ~ have to say I have been a bit of a bundle of nerves thinking of going. I really haven't touched base with more than a couple people from school - and didn't really know very many as it was, but yet I really don't feel like I can miss it ~ so off we shall go, glad that Kevin will be with me - I can always pretend it is just the two of us going out among a bunch of strangers and just focus on time with him ~ that will calm my nerves I am sure.

My very good friend Dawn is going to Disneyland for holidays this summer ~ man oh man I envy her, but one day soon it will be others turn to envy me as I head off to somewhere warm in the winter months. I applied for my passport last week, and soon I will have no holds barring me from traveling out of Canada ~ and look forward to planning a winter holiday getaway with my man.

I am getting excited at the thought of my soon to be born new great niece or great nephew ~ I am so blessed that my nieces and nephew (by ex-marriage) still consider me to be their Aunt and want me to always be a part of their lives. It has been a while since I have been able to be around a little one, as my own sister's all live in BC and so my nieces and nephews live very far away ~ so I haven't been able to spend much time with them while they have been growing.

I wrote this on my facebook status today:
"Optimist: someone who isn't sure whether life is a tragedy or a comedy but is tickled silly just to be in the play." ~Robert Brault

Tickled silly just to be in the play ....... Yep :)

Wow ....

My son turned 20 yesterday ~ it takes my breath away the amazing man he is becoming. I am very blessed in my life ~ and sometimes we need to take stock of the people/relationships/experiences that make life the fabulous ride it is.

Alex and I have been on our own since he was two years old ~ and I am so grateful that we have the strong bond we do, have always had, and I hope continues for the rest of our lives. And though the life experiences we have gone through haven't always been easy, or fun, or even comfortable ~ I am pleased that he has a base understanding of honesty, compassion, forgiveness, kindness, generosity, and love. He is a man I can look at and know he will be okay in life, may not always treat him well - but that he can come through anything and will keep walking strong.



His relationship with Sarah has actually at times been a bit of an inspiration to myself surprisingly haha ~ like our roles have been reversed in some ways, him carrying out a last and loving relationship, me just finding my way. I am pleased I am in a loving, supportive, and strong relationship myself now ~ so I can be the role model for him in even another aspect, he may be 20 but never too young to learn life lessons - for in truth I myself still am learning everyday.

Wow I say ..... a young man ..... grew up right in front of me and keeps on growing ~ and I am so so so very proud of my son. Happy Birthday.

Thoughful .....

Lost in thought alot lately ~ I am missing my dad ~ it's been so long since he has been part of our lives that is true ~ but he is always in my heart and seems the older I get the more I miss him. Especially of late ~ life has been such a balance ~ or is such a balance, and though I have always felt that I come through and keep on trucking, I have a need to do more than just go from day to day. I know my son Alex is feeling the same way ~ getting the working everyday blues ~ we had a good talk the other day and cleared some air ~ he has been so tense and short tempered of late, he just wants to get back to school, finish it up, get started on a career, buy a house, and do some traveling and live life ... RIGHT NOW! haha I totally get where he is coming from I have been feeling the same way ~ especially in the last few years, people that mean the world to me have passed away ..... and I feel changed.

So now I am trying to balance things ~ the need to just get out there and live life don't stop ~ don't slow down, grab any and all happiness where you can find it and fly fly fly .... and with reality ~ that even dreams take time, that things like getting my life organized after the mess I have made of somethings - like my home, take time and patience to work through. That even being in love and looking towards sharing a future and sharing some of those things I never thought I would have like: a house, a chance to travel, someone to grow old with ..... take time ~ and that things do happen as they are meant to, you can't force fate.



















And I have been missing my dad, I have been missing Dave ~ I have been missing Baba .... people in my life that I would have wanted to see me be happy ~ wanted to see me be okay in life.

I am finding this balancing a hard thing to do ~ I have not been feeling myself as much as I would like to lately, and I am struggling a bit ....... I am even trying to work on priorities and what is really worth keeping and what I need to let go. Or even who I need to let go .....

finding Balance.

I had my first ever motorcyle ride a while ago - haven't been able to go out again yet but what a rush that was. Thanks to my friend Randall - for getting me the helmut and jacket and letting me sit on the back of his bike haha ~ I sure enjoyed being able to see the city from a bit of a different perspective, and look forward to getting back out there and riding again in the future.

My love and man Kevin ~ love this picture taken of us. :) Actually my mom took the picture which shows you with time and patience one can be taught how to take a proper picture, way to go mom!! I have to say I am one pretty happy woman of late, very much in love and looking forward to all the adventures in the future that being in a good relationship will bring.

I can't believe my young man is going to be 20 this summer - time has seemed to just fly by ~ and in honesty I really miss my little boy at times, but I am oh so proud of the man he is and what he is accomplishing in life. He finished his first year of University this year, wow that took me for a loop and made me feel a touch old, and we are standing in front of his new 1996 GMC Sonoma truck - which he is so proud owning and I am so happy for him that he is really enjoying this time in life and that we are a close knit family ~ he means the world to me.

My foray into being an organizer comes to a close ....

I had a bit of an upset last night, as I was basically tying up a loose end that has been more than just a simple irritation of late. I have been the co-organizer of the Edmonton Women's group,and I had to take some drastic steps last night. The organizer, Sherley, while she is a very nice woman, and I enjoy her company as a person ~she and I have very very different organizing styles and have a different view on what the group should mean and the direction needed to make it a stronger viable alternative to spend our time on, especially when we both have very busy lives. So basically my options for myself had come down to ~ either she stepped down or I had to step away, well .... she feels she doesn't want to step down and so I went forward and said okay no hard feelings but I am stepping away. I know I put too much heart into things, and if I am involved with anything I put in usually 120% ~ therefore my attitude on things sometimes seems overboard, but being part of (a member only) another group, the 30 something, where Selene and I are becoming good friends, and she has alot of the same outlook and that group is thriving and getting better all the time, I feel that how I think is a good and strong way to deal with an internet group like that. I can't see myself being able to do that with the present leadership roles we are playing in the Edmonton Women's group ~ and all I have been is frustrated and unhappy ~ and everyone around me has stated that if it's not adding I need to make changes. I sat and trully thought about the changes I would have to make, and then had a meeting with Sherley last night.

So though I know I am doing the right thing, I feel I will be disappointing more than a few gals who really like who I am and what I have done with the group so far, so that made me a bit down ~ and I felt a bit disappointed that after all my efforts I really do need to step down. I was talking to her and I was at different points thinking "Well maybe I could make this work", and then she would say something and I would say to myself (there was alot of talkin my brain last night during this meeting haha) "um no that would drive me bonkers and I can't see us agreeing on that". She is a mellow soul and wants love and fun for everyone, I am a more hard ass woman who believes people need to be accountable and fair to the others of the group, and have no problem dealing with people that feel they can waste my time and the time of others. My end game is fun too ~ we just have very very different styles as to how we could accomplish that. So I need to step completely back and let her do it her way, I am very busy as it is and in truth I have more than enough other "social" things to do if I want ~and so I am good.

I was just feeling some lingering disappointment in ending my run as a co-organizer. In saying this I have one more scheduled event that I will host ~ we have a movie night tonight so I will get this done, and then tomorrow pull my status and let her take it away from this point forward. I am sure out of the 200 + women in that group she can find a co-organizer that better suits her style and viewpoints,and I can go back to joining the odd event ~ and letting the stress go that this has caused in the last weeks. Sherley and I were going to meet again on Thursday night again to discuss it some more (she was running short of time last night) but I think I am at peace with what I decided so I am good. A few of the girls suggested I start my own group, and Sherley agreed last night but I am not interested in doing that at this time. I will spend the extra time I am going to have in my home (it's a freaking mess), visiting with people I care about, and going to other organized events where all I need to do is show up and be my charming self haha.

It's been a long long while .....

My blog ~ a creative outlet ~ a space to throw out some thoughts ~ a place to fulfill my need to type out and hold moments in time, to be able to go back ~ see growth, change, experience joy and once again read about how events have touched my heart, broken my heart, healed my heart ..... I would say that I would get on here and faithfully write all the time again, but I can't ... for in truth I have really many varied outlets now and who reads this haha. I can't believe the change in myself in the last year ~ I hope a change for the better, a stronger, happier more confident woman ~ I have embraced the gauntlet dear Dave left us all when he passed last year ~ to live life more, to enjoy life more, to get out and connect with life, with people, with just plain living.

It's hard to know where to start ~ I feel blessed in my life by the relationships I have developed ~ like the love, respect and friendship with my sister Bel, and the same plus the sense of connection with my amazing friend Dawn. Without these two women in my life I would often be sunk haha ~ they threaten to kick my ass almost daily if I need a slap here and there and my confidence shakes ~ as it is want to do when you are searching for the meanings of life haha. :)
In fact I just got in from going with coffee with Dawn ~ life has been hard lately and we don't get out to connect as much as we would like ~ but hey an hour here or there and we are usually golden. Then I send her back to her family ha ha and I go and do the same. We both have lost our crop mojo, but we are still amazingly good at "scrap shopping" hee hee ~ and we hope to attend a crop very soon here and get our creative sides humming again.

My dear sister Bel is approaching her 40 b-day very soon here ~ it just makes me shake my head at how the years are passing us all by ~ again somedays I feel anxious that I am not doing enough, not feeling enough, experiencing enough and that I may not have enough time in my life to do things that I really deem important ~ but I then realize as long as I take the experiences that I do have and live them to the fullest ~ hey I can be content........ for now.

Of late I have found a deeper meaning to a few things ~ the words friendship, and cherish, and love, and surprisingly I have found a meaning for the word "happy" I honestly thought at one time it was rather a lame and empty word, not expressing any deep feeling. Through meeting some amazing people in my life I can see that sometimes it is just the word that "fits". I have been touched by a special relationship ~ I find it hard to describe how my heart has been taken - I feel deeply blessed that timing ~ something that has been illusive alot of my life ~ worked, and Kevin has come into my life. It's like I carry a smile around in my soul all the time, a deep sense of "this is true, and right and good" and simply amazing. He makes me happy.

I struggle when I see people I care about or love get hurt, be sick, or feel lost. I have friends that are going through life altering soul wrenching changes and I feel helpless ~ we all just want to protect the ones we care about ~ we have a natural inclination to "fix", make 'better', find answers ..... part of life is learning how to support, to just be there ~ and when they call - make sure your hand is out to pull them back to the shore. :)

On another hand I trully am blessed with having met some amazing new people in the last year ~ and I have tried new things because of it too!!! I have tried bellydancing and curling (oh I know not at the same time hee hee) I have gone out pubbing with strangers and at the end of the evening I have more new friends. I am looking forward to the spring days coming ~ getting back out in the beautiful river valley and area and walking ~ going on picnics in the park ~ having my friend Randall take me out on his motorcycle and seeing the city from that perspective, and trying something new with someone I care and trust to keep me safe ~ I am looking forward to the summer ~ going camping with loved ones and friends, getting out to city festivals, spending time just chilling on my deck (can't wait till it is flower planting time) and once again surround myself with new experiences, what? I don't know ~ I'll find them, I will also find new love, keep it ;) and grow friendships that last lifetimes. Last summer-winter experiences included horseback riding, and doing the corn maze, meeting new people every time I went out ~ this year what? Maybe quadding and zip lining? Who knows. :)

I would love to get back up in the sky and do either a tandum jump or take another plunge at skydiving ~ pun not intended haha - plunging isn't the best when skydiving hee hee. ;) I would love to go to the mountains and do some hiking, maybe buy a bike and get out and see the city that way ~ I want to explore, spend time with friends, and enjoy every breath I take. There is always sad, there is always "stuff", there is always "deal" ~ but I am going to pull life, love and laughter out of the equation to and I am going to find balance and yes "happy" moments. :)

It's time ..... I am ready ....
here we go :)

Life is busy ...

I can not believe that the time has flown so quickly since the last time I have updated my blog ~ I sometimes think I should just discontinue it, I don't think many check it and there is always other forms of communication if your friends want to keep in touch. :) That being said - I am in the mood to update things today so I will do that ha ha ~ life has been busy. Full of new experiences ~ going to the varied groups and events put on by the meetup.com bunch has been in the most part a great experience, I have met tonnes of new people ~ found a few good new friends, and have enjoyed getting out and seeing the city more also. I have in the last many many months lost my mojo for scrapbooking ~ but have of late been working on getting it back ~ I found scrapbooking always to be a very important part of my creative side, and though socially I have been busy and life has been fuller, I have missed the quiet times at home where having that outlet of art is so vital to keep life on a smooth level, it helps me think, it provides an outlet for creativity and working with pictures of people I care about, or things I love is always good for uplifting the soul. So recently a friend asked me to be a part of her circle journal - the group is small, and she is very strict on guidelines for getting things done and sent off ~ I had two failed attempts at being part of a circle journal group ~ so I took the leap and felt this may be a good way to jump start my mojo :) So far so good.